sworndevotion | karteria inbox

[Dedue has been sleeping a lot since returning. He hasn't been cooking at all. And when he's not sleeping, he's... Not all there. His golem soul shuts him down into a state of dormancy for hours at a time, which for all intents and purposes is like extreme disassociation. Staring at the wall, aware of what's around him but not feeling anything, physical or emotional, not moving, not thinking.

Whenever Dimitri checks on him, he tries to get out of bed and go down to the dining hall with his friend, tries to eat, tries to brush his teeth or comb his hair, because he knows he should. He knows he should be the one caring for Dimitri, and feels guilty for how useless he is to his liege. But the guilt only serves to intensify the dormancy, making him even more useless. Not a good cycle.

Still, Dimitri's presence is always a balm, especially with their imprint. Even if Dedue can't bring himself to do much, he knows he'd be much worse off without his friend checking in as regularly as he can. It's probably what's keeping him from full dormancy, keeping him responsive.

Because it goes like this: he's staring at the wall, stuck, unable to move even when he tries, and then he hears a knock, and then Dimitri's voice, and suddenly he's able to blink and move a little. His mouth no longer feels rusted shut, and he can call weakly:]

Yes.

[He moves his hand to press his palm against the bed, and while the intent is to push himself up to sitting, he can't get that far. It feels like his muscles are stuck, frozen, and his body weighs as much as pure lead.

Or... Steel.]

[Of course, Dimitri has noticed Dedue's much decreased mobility upon his return. He doesn't know what causes it, but he suspects it is his natural soul. Are his joints turning to stone? To metal? He just can't say. More than that, he's caught Dedue slipping into trances. It's the only way he can really explain it. He's awake but hardly alert.

It reminds him of the beast he'd devolved into in the past five years. There are far more parallels than he's comfortable with.

He pushes the door open, and it's like walking into the room of someone paralyzed. He can't help but think of the times he'd toured the army infirmary and shown soldiers who had survived but suffered injuries that would likely change their lives forever. It made his heart ache. And it was even worse seeing Dedue this way.]

I've brought you some breakfast. Or, rather, brunch, I suppose... [He admits sheepishly. More and more, he found himself wide awake at night and napping on and off throughout the day. This morning, he'd slept in far too long.] Egg, cheese and sausage sandwiches. And these, they're potatoes, they called them hashed browns, I believe.

[He sets the tray of food down on the bed beside Dedue so he can walk over to the tiny window and open the curtain, letting in sunlight. His intent is to make his way back to sit beside Dedue, but it appears as though Dedue may not have brushed his hair yet this morning (relatable, honestly), but he takes it upon himself to try to smooth it. Pausing in front of him, he runs his fingers through Dedue's hair to comb it back so he can re-tie it.] Will you eat something? For me?

[Still laying when Dimitri enters, the only thing that spurs him to sit up is that age-old habit of etiquette, that when royalty enters a room you must stand and bow. They're well past that sort of thing, and yet, laying down when Dimitri enters still feels deeply inappropriate and wrong.

He pushes himself up, slowly and stiffly, until he's sitting on the edge of his bed, slumped forward over his knees. Dedue is usually an early riser, but it's clear he hasn't been out of bed yet today, still in pajamas.]

Apologies...

[Is what he says in response to it being brunch, feeling guilty for sleeping in so late. Really, most of his greetings are apologies as of late, like he feels the need to apologize just for existing.]

Thank you. It smells good.

[Food is usually something that can make him feel better, but lately, he hasn't had much of an appetite. Whether that's because he's so melancholy, or whether it's an effect of corruption (Jayce had told him he doesn't eat food anymore), he isn't sure, but it troubles him. He hopes today he will be able to eat all of what Dimitri has brought.

He closes his eyes as Dimitri combs his fingers through his hair, their strong imprint making him feel a little less heavy, a little less numb.]

Yes, I will try.

[There's something about Dedue's tone that makes him question how much of what he's saying is simply to please him and how much is genuine. But it makes him feel a pang of guilt more than anything else. Is this how Dedue feels when he reassures him that he's enjoying the food he's made for him, knowing that he can't taste it? His intention had never been to patronize Dedue, only to try to make his gratitude known. He gives Dedue a soft smile and a small nod, feeling very much like he's doing the same, even if he does not truly want to eat.

He picks up one of the plated breakfast sandwiches and settles on the bed beside Dedue, the smell of the bacon and eggs making his stomach rumble. He realizes that perhaps he should have gotten more than one of these for himself.]

How are you feeling this morning? I trust you're not in any pain... [He glances over at his friend with a look of concern as he takes a big bite of the sandwich, his canines looking exceptionally long and sharp these days.]

[It is how he feels, sometimes. Though, he does appreciate Dimitri complimenting his cooking, even if he can't taste it. He knows Dimitri is just trying to show his gratitude for an act of care that means a lot to Dedue, and that is kind. When Dedue makes a meal for Dimitri, that is him saying "I care about you" without words, and Dimitri understands this, and thanks him for his care.

He moreso feels that strange guilt and helplessness when Dimitri is doing quite poorly, enough to brush Dedue off, or refuse to eat or go to bed. And Dedue... Certainly is in rough enough shape right now to compare to Dimitri at his worst. But he wants to get better. He does not want to brush off any help, because he knows what it is like to be on the offering end of that help, and knows how hard it is to see a loved one in such a state.

The sandwiches do smell good to him, and he was also saying it to show his appreciation for Dimitri coming by to care for him.

He picks one up, looks at Dimitri as he takes a big bite, his eyes flicking down to his lion-mouth. It always lifts Dedue's spirits a little to see him eat.]

No. I just... Had trouble getting myself going.

[There's still a bone-deep shame and an intense urge to apologize again. He takes a bite of the sandwich instead, considering its flavour and texture with a quiet hum.]

[It's perhaps stranger when meals smell delicious and then seem to lose that property as soon as they're in his mouth. But the bread is nice and hot, and the eggs and bacon are just the way he likes them. He really can't complain, even if he can't taste the sandwich.

He reaches out to put a reassuring hand on Dedue's arm dotingly while he chews the big bite he'd taken.]

Seems like that's been the case for you lately...

I- [He frowns a little, unsure what to say, unsure what he can do to help the person closest to him. He feels so useless.] Is there anyone who might... be experiencing similar symptoms? It's your Natural Soul... is it not?

[While he is fully focused on the conversation, his stomach is once again grumbling that he's stopped eating, so he takes another bite, nearly finishing the sandwich. Clearly, more will be needed, but one should at least sate him for the time being.]

A golem-type friend, Jayce, wrote notes of experiencing some kind of hibernation from his corruption. I think this is similar. It seems that in response to distress, the soul wants to...

[There's a brief flash in his mind of those golem-corpses under Kelesis. Were they killed suddenly, or did they have their energy sapped until they slowed and stopped, allowing themselves to be taken over by the plants?]

Shut down.

[He puts his own free hand atop Dimitri's on his arm, hoping the imprint can help fend off these disturbing thoughts.

He looks over again at Dimitri inhaling the sandwich, and his lip quirks up ever-so-slightly.]

My corruption is making me lose my appetite, while yours only gets stronger. I really ought to get back to the kitchen...

A kind of hibernation? [Dimitri's tone is careful, deliberate, and measured, his expression is very much the same. But he can't quite hide his unspoken question, or maybe it's more of a plea. Please, Dedue, don't leave him alone here.

He's not sure he could bear watching Dedue turn further into a statue. It seems like a fate worse than death. Here... but very much not.

But he still feels the flow of calm and warmth that he's come to recognize as imprinting when Dedue rests his hand on his arm.

He smiles, though it's far sadder than he'd intended.] You're not wrong. My appetite continues to surprise me. And the desire to eat a massive meal and then lounge around the rest of the day. [He shakes his head with a huff. He'd given in and gorged himself once and certainly plans to avoid doing so again.]

Yes...

[It's terrifying, to lose control like this. He knows imprints can help, and though he's bad at asking for it, there is a layer of desperation beneath all of this. A layer of fear that he will simply shut down and never come out of it. His hand tightens a little on Dimitri's, squeezing it.]

I am trying to fight against that. You are helping. But I detest being forced to lie in bed rather than take care of you the way I want to. I am sorry I cannot be more useful.

[There is a deep and heartbroken shame in his tone.]

Perhaps you should. I do like to see you eating more, and since there is a lack of noble duties to take care of here, you could afford a break.

[He sets the last bite of his sandwich down for a moment and leans in, headbutting Dedue's hand resting on top of his own before rubbing his face against it affectionately. It's so much better when Dedue smells like him... just a little.]

While I very much would like to see you out of bed more, it is not to take care of me. I'm doing just fine. It is you who I'm worried about, my friend.

[His stomach grumbles, though quietly, unwilling to let him forget about that last bite. Keeping his hand where it is and still leaning against Dedue, he snags that last bit of his sandwich and finishes it.] No, I don't think it would do to lounge about all day. There's plenty that needs doing around here.

And I should not eat more than my fair share either. The people are already worried about food stores. [They may not be his people to worry about like a King might, but he can't help himself.]

I know.

[The sweet act of the scent-marking softens and warms Dedue's gaze, and he puts his own sandwich down, because he cant help but reach out with his other hand to caress the side of Dimitri's face, his fingertips sliding gently into locks of blonde hair. His thumb rubs gently against his friend's cheekbone. Looking upon him, he gets that lovely ache again, that intense melancholy of yearning. Then, a second feeling: relief, that he's still able to feel those emotions. That he's not completely numb.

And then Dimitri chomps down the last bit of sandwich. Dedue releases an exhale that isn't quite a laugh, but does make him feel a little lighter.]

Not all day, but a nap cannot hurt. The rest and food is doing you good. You look much healthier these days.

[His smile falls slightly at the notion of a 'fair share' of food, though.]

You must eat what your body needs. There is nothing unfair about that.

[The caress is... so very, very comforting. Odd, but comforting. Far too good for him to linger too long on how out of place it seemed. The word inappropriate danced on his tongue, but if he didn't say anything, and Dedue was offering such a gesture, and they were both here, in this private space, what was the harm? He closes his eyes and tilts his head slightly to lean into Dedue's palm, feeling the warmth and contentment wash over him. Through him.]

Yes, it's becoming habit... A walk, an afternoon nap, and then the smell of dinner coming from the dining hall wakes me.

[He doesn't mention that he then doesn't usually sleep until the predawn hours. He feels awake and energetic once the sun sets. It's different than before, when he simply couldn't sleep.]

Hmm, perhaps, but if that is the case, I feel as though I should put more effort into helping procure that meat. Perhaps I should volunteer to hunt more.

[Dedue tries to keep the amourousness out of his gaze as he watches Dimitri lean into his touch. He likely fails, but it's hard to regret or retract such a gesture when he can see it brings Dimitri peace, and it loosens some of the stiffness in his own muscles in turn.]

That sounds pleasant. As I have said before, you need and deserve a break.

[It's alright if Dimitri has an unusual sleep schedule, as long as he is getting the rest he needs somehow.]

Not a bad idea. It would help the food shortage, and it may satisfy your soul.

[He has another bite of his sandwich.]

Personally, I am hoping to aid the Augmented farming effort when I am feeling more myself.

[He can't deny how that expression feels like it warms his whole being and breathes life into him. At the end of the day, the one thing he desires most is for Dedue to be happy and well. It's these moments that give him hope that Dedue will recover soon.

As for his own wellbeing, the dark circles are gone from under his eyes if that gives Dedue any reassurance.]

You're right, it likely would. I was never an avid hunter though... Perhaps I should lean into my soul, as you've suggested. I had not considered hunting in that way.

[His ears perk up a little at the mention of a farm. While he wasn't exactly confident in his predator instincts, he still had his strength and could certainly lend a hand at the farm.] I hope that time is soon, Dedue. If you would have me, I would love to accompany you. Surely, they could find some task I'd be capable of.

I imagine that your soul is skilled at it. Though it might simply eat all of your haul if you do not keep it on a short leash.

[He's unsure if those with 'wild animal' souls find them difficult to control... Dimitri's lion seems more like a housecat than a fierce predator, though, so maybe it would be easy to contend with.]

You would?

[He didn't expect Dimitri to want to spend time on the farm, but seems quite pleased that this is the case.]

It would be nice to have you there. I am certain there are heavy lifting and strength-based tasks you are well-suited to assist with.

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cw disassociation/extreme exec dysfunction/depression

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