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[sworndevotion]

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[rakta]

[ The truth is that she doesn’t know the answer to that.

There’s an obvious awareness to the differences that her death has brought her. She feels different for it, her heart does not beat as it should, she feels hollow and empty inside at times and she struggles to rationalise it. She had died, and it has done nothing to leave her feeling any less like a monster.

But she’s back. She’s here, and he has yet to cast her out, even if he is in his rights to.

She died, and she feels so lonely. So empty. Her eyes burn as she shakes her head. ]

I do not know. When I learned that I would die, I hoped to die alone. That was not to be so.

[ Instead… ]

I hurt many people. I hurt myself. I do not know what to do.

[sworndevotion]

You... You died?

[He's heard this about spectral types, of course, but... He did not think that was what would happen to her. Who was with her, if she wasn't alone?]

When? How?

[rakta]

[ Oh.

Lauralae had thought he’d known, that he was aware that’s why she had been gone - but perhaps he’d simply imagined her avoiding him. Another sin for her to atone for, if she is able to do so. Slowly, anticipating the conversation growing harder, she sits, staring at her hands.

How does she do this? ]

That night. When my control was lost. I died then.

[sworndevotion]

[There's an oddly helpless look on Dedue's ever-stoic face then, lips slightly parted, eyebrows lifting, almost childlike.

She died, and he did not even know? He could not help her, or at least be there for her in those moments of terror.]

You were not alone?

[rakta]

I… No.

[ Not technically, since someone killed her. She’s grateful for that, but she thinks perhaps not telling Dedue that part might be safer for now.

Absently, her fingers flex. ]

I am sorry. I thought you knew.

[sworndevotion]

[He's glad, at least, that she wasn't alone.]

No. I... I apologize. I tried to find you.

[It makes sense now why she didn't respond, but this sounds like the worst case scenario.]

[rakta]

[ Bowing her head, she swallows, voice hoarse and hollow. She hadn’t been alone, but she’s not going to focus on her encounters with others, or how she died. She doesn’t want to think about it. ]

I am glad you did not.

[ Slowly, she turns her eyes back to him. ]

I hurt you enough that night. I would not wish more of it upon you.

[sworndevotion]

[He looks down at the table for a long moment, brooding. So much pain, for both of them...]

Why? Why did this happen to you?

[rakta]

It was my soul. The one given to me here.

[ Since her own was taken a long time ago. ]

I… Was tired, and I have been warring with it for some time. It seems that it took control in my weakness, and I was unable to take it back.

[sworndevotion]

[His brow is getting increasingly furrowed. He wishes he could understand this.]

And it... Killed you?

[rakta]

I was required to die. I have been told that is the nature of a Spectral soul. Death.

[ Breathing out, Lauralae glances away. ]

And now I have died. The soul is appeased.

[sworndevotion]

[He's struggling to wrap his mind around this. Undead creatures are not familiar to him.]

But... You are walking. Talking. Healing. How can you be dead?

[rakta]

It is being a spectral. I return, alive but not.

[ She shakes her head. ]

It is nonsensical to me, also. But I am here. It is one reason I was less afraid to… Go.

[sworndevotion]

[She knew this would happen. Knew she would die. But she did not tell Dedue.]

It must have been frightening, all the same. I wish I had known, so I might have comforted you.

[Instead, he'd... Let her feed on him. He supposes that must have been a help as well, but he isn't sure. About any of this.]

[rakta]

I did not wish anyone to know.

[ Lauralae’s voice is soft and quiet, head bowed. ]

It would have been my preference to die alone. For no one to have known.

[sworndevotion]

I suppose I can understand that.

[Still, it hurts a bit, and his shoulders slump with it.]

I hope whoever you were with was of help.

[rakta]

Dedue…

[ Her eyes are dark, glassy as she looks at him. ]

I have lost someone I… [ She hums. ] I would not wish that on a friend.

[sworndevotion]

[He ponders this for a long moment. He understands, but...]

I would gladly endure that pain if it meant you did not need to suffer alone.

[rakta]

I…

[ It’s hard to find words, and she flexes her fingers, absent and feeling adrift. ]

It is my custom. I harmed you enough.

[sworndevotion]

Your custom?

[He isn't sure what that means.]

Of your people?

[rakta]

Of me.

[ Why is talking so hard? Why is saying anything hard? She does not want to hurt Dedue more than she already has, so she tries to choose her words wisely. ]

You know how long I lived alone. I simply… Do not know how. To not be alone.

[sworndevotion]

I see.

[He looks down at his hands, looks at his wounds, looks at the vials of potions she's given him. What is he supposed to make of all this? Kind gifts (obligatory?), having parts of his arm ripped out by her teeth, an insistence on being alone? Are they friends? Are they more? Does she want him to leave her be?]

Apologies. I am confused. I do not know what it is you want from me. Should I leave you alone?

[rakta]

No, I… I do not want that.

[ She is making a mess of things. All she wants is to sit with him again and feel that soft contentment, but it’s hard to find the right words, especially after everything she’s done. She feels awful. ]

I like being with you. Around you. I do not want to be alone if you are an option.

[sworndevotion]

[Dedue nods, quiet for a moment.]

Well, I am always an option. Please, do call on me when you need help.

[rakta]

I will try.

[ Her voice remains soft, and gentle, until she finally looks over at him again. It's clearly difficult for her. ]

I have no desire to cause you any further pain.